so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
