I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
