note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
