The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
