that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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