You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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