I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Terrible idea I love it
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
