Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
