When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
