blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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