i need an iv and a liver transplant
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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