1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
