I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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