party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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