Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
