You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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