come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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