Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
