I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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