we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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