I'm sorry my penis didn't work
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
