So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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