Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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