How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
