your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
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He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
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She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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