Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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