I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
