you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
