On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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