I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
