i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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