I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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