I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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