Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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