i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
