When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
