My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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