he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
