I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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