Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
