He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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