the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
