I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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