I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
