He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
did i just pee glitter
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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