she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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