I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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