I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
