If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
