Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
you had me at cake vodka
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
