Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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