Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You are the jesus of drinking
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
