I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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