Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Even my vagina gasped.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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