why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
