I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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